So if you’ve followed my blogs, you may or may not (lets just say you do for the sake of flattery) know that I have a recent one called “fuck technology” which can be found here.

Right..? right.

Well guess what!?

Today I actually LEFT my room and went to the…………………………………………….LIVING ROOM and started chit chatting with my roomates about how the new Fast and Furious movie wasn’t “that bad” which of course drew a few snickers and snarls.

WHAT!? If you like old muscle cars like myself you can at least appreciate mindlessly staring at them for 2ish hours… I didnt have any problem with it. On a side note for one day id like to be as massive as Vin Diesel.
Id either just sit in front of a mirror squeezing my ass cheeks together (no hands of course) OR walk around trying to rip mail drops and small shrubs out of the ground.

Anyhoo. So while im clearing my name about admitting my affinity for FATF, and how Paul Walkers acting skills have progressed ten fold since the 1st movie, I literally was stopped in mid sentence.

Gun shots? Did John toot AGAIN? Teh rabbit sex?

No, much worse…. An Alaskan Airlines commercial.

Anyone know what im talking about yet? have you made the correlation ? No it has nothing to do with the fast and furious.

Well it just so happens that I have the video right here for your very eyes.

My jaw is literrally on the floor.

A complete and blatant ripoff of my very own BLOG!!!!!!

Did josh st. marie write and direct this video because it sure fucking looks like it to me!?… Yet some how I sit here with exactly 2 dollars in my savings account.

So you say, ok josh guess what? You’re neither original nor clever. Get over it. And under any other circumstance I would defiantly agree with you. But today….today is different.

I would like to call DARRYL WALKER to the stand please.

Who the fuck is that?

Oh, only the SENIOR DEFENSE ATTORNY for ALASKAN AIRLINES!

who?

AKA -

MY (half) BROTHER.

BAM!

Oh how the tables have turned. Singing a different tune now arent you?
MY OWN FUCKING FLESH AND BLOOD has betrayed me to bolster his status in these dying economc airline times. Sold me out for the almighty dollar. I feel like joseph and his coat of many colors. Talk about desperate.. the poor bastard was probably snooping through my blog and saw money signs all over the place!!!

I wonder what commercials those motherfucks are going to roll out next? Something to do with fruitcakes Im sure.

So normally I would call him for some attorney advice, but alas who can I turn to now? “BROTHER vs BROTHER in venemous fight over blog story rights about toilets.” I am NOT afraid of you sir. I need to find the vin diesel of attorneys.

Since I am too poor to afford an attorny and I certainly cant ask my brother to sue himself I can do the only thing that is totally logical..

I have scheduled a blood transfusion today….I want nothing to do with this scum bag. Im washing my half blood from me. ( Can I borrow like 50 bucks brother?)

(p.s. fuck technology, the original version was written on october 25, 2008. long before this crap ass commercial was ever written)

That’s right, I’m becoming more and more annoyed by these idiotic inventions I see in my daily walk of life.
yes…I have an iphone, I love it. It does what I ask of it, what do I like most about the iphone? It doesn’t make me feel like a quadriplegic.  Make sense? Probably not yet.

I like elevators, no one wants to walk 10 flights of stairs every time they want to go somewhere, especially me being in room service.  Kudos to the elevator maker  Elisha Graves Otis,  you make my life worth living elisha.

The “interweb” is some great technology…props to Al Gore (9 out of 10 people that read this will NOT get that joke).  Everyone loves myspace/facebook.  Al Gore made this all possible, what a great guy….well, him and that annoying Tom guy that never seems to go away.

Ok so Ive given out enough hand jobs, lets get to the things I hate,  and most likely the reason why you’re reading this…

Now I’m not sure who invented all these contraptions  but it seems to be one person as its all located in the same general vicinity.  Bathroom technology is possibly the worst idea I’ve ever seen.  God gave me two hands… why are you stripping me of this wonderful privilege of using my hands and arms in a washroom?  (And no you cant give me the germs excuse as Im pretty sure people in other countries use their bare hands to “move the landfill” for lack of a better term at the moment.)

Waving  my hands like a deaf ADD child on a six pack of red bull  in front of a sink to get the water working  isnt such a great idea in my opinion.  The most frustrating thing is as soon as you give up on the sink because “this one must be broken” and move to the next…..THAT’S when it starts working.  “fuck, ok you win” move back to the sink thats on……………………………..off.

A  new one I’ve started to see around is the soap dispensers. Same idea as the sinks, but you get like 3 drops of the shittiest FOAM soap. What is foam soap and whats wrong with the cool looking  jell-o dispensers they had back in the day?”Thanks, only 5 more squirts of this and ill have enough to wash one hand”.
These have like a 5 second break timer on them so we are looking at what 25 seconds of hand waving to get the proper amount of soap to be sanitary.
Shit, when I was  8 Id NEVER wash my hands, I was just too lazy. How does this condone hand washing for kids these days?  Those poor twerps cant figure the proper hand signals out. Every day at work I have grown human beings come up to me and tell me the sink is broken…

Lastly, I think we allll hate this one, the automatic toilet flusher.  Actually I think this might be more of a guy thing,  but Id hate them whether I had a penis or a vagina.  I walk into the stall (Wooooooosh) I  put down the little paper sanitary thingy, (you know the ones that you get around your head when you go to red robin for your birthday….who fucking thought that was clever anyways?? ) (WOooooosh), sit down (Wooooooosh) thats like 3 wooshes before Ive even crapped.
And the worst woosh of all….the one before you can get up and see the product that you’ve put out…WHAT THE FUCK!!  That is a mans time to shine and you’re taking something we very much look forward to away…put like a 30 second timer on THAT so I can marvel at my trophy.

What exactly is the purpose these toilets serve again? saving water? Clearly not.  Sanitaryism (I made that word up) …..nope I still have to wipe my own ass, gimme a break.  Do they have auto bidets in Europe cause that would be a sight.

How does this guy come up with all these automatic PRIDE STEALERS!!!!!!  yet miss the most important one? Automatic ass wiping. Why am I so smart?  Bend me over and go to work SON!!  Violate that rectum, I don’t care just get it clean.  After all, while Im getting my butt wiped I could be browsing the Internets  on my iphone or something.

So for new years I did the whole bar hoping thing, you all know what goes along with that. so ill fast forward to after the bars close.  Me and two of my girlfriends decided to go to a house party… I gotta be

yum....ew.

honest this party was LAAAAAME, BUT what seemed like a drunken funny moment has turned into one fruitful decision.  Include that lame ass pun you just thought of, which I most certainly intended.

Well 4am rolls around and at that point my stomach is looking to be satisfied.  There were snacks all around so I decided to see if there was anything hidden I could find.  As I walk into the Kitchen I I see this piece of fruitcake lying on the counter..”hmm its so pretty”,  looks like its laced with rubies and emeralds… yet looks as we all know can be decieving. I pick this fucking thing up and I seriously think I strained something.
The 3 inch by 3 inch cube weighs like 3 pounds.. Im not playing around.  So as I inspect this bologna of deserts Im spining  it around and see an 11 dollar price tag. Are youuuuu fucking kidding me right now? Someone payed 11 dollars for this thing…someone worked over an hour of minimum wage for this left over christmas meatloaf??

“This is a joke” I thought to myself. “I must have this”… so I grab my friends bag and swiftly smash it into probably the smallest purse Ive seen since 1999. (I thought the style was bigger the better) anyways.. so the next day  I opened my car console and was almost blinded by the extravagant beams of red and green thrown from the fruitcake..like I  just opened some kind of treasure chest.

“Holy shit I totally forgot about this haha”

So now for the past 8 days Ive been trying to think of something good to do with it, I cant just let it go to waste and I CERTAINLY CANNOT (or will not I should say) eat it.

Maybe I take pictures with it in places like the space needle, send it across country to a friend, take a picture with it at the statue of liberty or some unclever junk… make a scrap book? meh sounds like a lot of work.

I asked friends, but they just laugh at the 11 dollar absurdity…no one has a good idea.

Fine, when all else fails I turn to craigslist….

The Following is exactly word by word the ad I put on craigslist.

“I stole a 11$ piece of FRUITCAKE from a newyears party… (seattle)”-

“So im drunk at this point and see a piece of nasty looking fruitcake on the counter.. I pick it up and it seriously out weighs a newborn baby. After inspecting it I see this price tag of 11$ on it. So I stole it. Not out of greed more out of spite… like hey if you waste 11 dollars on fruitcake that CLEARLY no one is going to eat, I should put it to use. oh and fuck you for buying this.

So any suggestions on what i should do with it?? “

Below is a response from some nerd off CL. (noticed how he changed the headline lol)

RE: I stole a 11$ piece of FRUITCAKE… Return it (seattle)-

“Fruitcakes hang with fruitcakes!!! You have no morals at all. Nor are you feeling any remorse. If you were, you would not be boasting about it on here. You should be soooo ashamed. You may think you wouldn’t do that if you were sober at the time but they way your bragging I think you are nothing more then a thief period. I wonder if these were your friends whom you took advantage of?
Doesn’t matter if they were your worst enemy. Stealing is stealing. You ask what you should do with it? I say return it and still give them there $11.00 for it. I mean after all for what ever reason they had the price on it, that benefit is gone now and the money may not do them any good now, but maybe it will. Tell them you were drunk and wasn’t thinking straight and want to make amends for your stupidity and then tell them you are going to seek professional help with your obvious drinking problem. Seek mental help as well to find out why you would want to steal in the first place. Remember how you felt the last time someone like you stole something you owned. It doesn’t feel good does it. Those people will probably never invite you to any of there party’s again but Hey, That is part of the reprimanding that comes with doing wrong. You must pay your dues until the very last pence if paid. Believe it or not you would feel better about yourself in the long run. I wonder what else you walked away with while you were casing out the joint. Of coarse you won’t mention the jewelry you pocketed from there bedroom will ya? Or the kids college change in the big jar in there closet? Get some help dude/dudette.
P.S. Don’t forget to ask Jesus for forgiveness too??”

I came back at him with…

“CLEARLY you are lacking any kind of sense of humor WHATSOEVER. Are you kidding me right now? Did you seriously write a fucking short story reprimanding me over taking A PIECE OF FRUITCAKE THAT THEY HAD FOR THE PARTY!?! wow. And the funniest part is you accuse me of stealing college funds and jewelery too..LOLOL. Hilarious. Absolutely Hilarious.

You need to get a grip on reality. ITS A FUCKING JOKE!!

I still havent gotten any suggestions on what to do with it…besides return it whiiiiiich ISNT GOING TO HAPPEN haha.”

His response…hes got God on his side now!!

RE: RE: I stole a 11$ piece of FRUITCAKE (THIEF CROOK ASSHOLE!!!) -

“Now this thief is laughing. I hope you boasted to some of your friends and they tell the party people on you. If I was a cop I would track you down and hand these letters to the judge. Then you would see how funny it is to rip off your friends. What a looser. You’re probably a crack head as well. Not just a drunken bum full blown alcoholic bitch. Bitch fits for you weather your a female or male. You’ll get caught one day and be made into a real bitch in jail. You sick low life’s is whats wrong with the world today. What goes around comes around Ten Fold. Little weasels like you are the filth of the earth. I see no other choice but to ask God to place a curse on you until you see the light. There!! The curse is upon you. Good luck with the horrors you are about to face. I feel sorry for you now. God spanks really hard.”

Im LOLing so hard at this point…likeeeeeeee for real.

“This is amazing.

Ok first off if you were a cop and you used your time to track down a fruitcake thief, Im not sure if I would laugh, or salute you for laying your life on the line for such a healthy deed.  America needs more cops like you on the street that’s for sure!!

2nd off, yes you caught me red handed, I actually couldn’t find anything else in house to sell for crack so I took the fruitcake as it had the most monitary value. I should be able to get a rock the size of pin head if I can somehow find a dealer that trades for fruitcakes……

3rd God doesnt put curses on people because some cop on craigslist finds a fruitcake stealer and asks for one via craigslist ad…..At least show him some respect and sacrifice a newborn lamb or something. AMATEUR!

I would actually be more afraid of you at a party than myself…you seem like a nut-job.”
———————————————————————————

hmm now what am i going to do with this fucking fruitcake!?

So back into the 2nd life I go. And Im happy to report this time around is much better. Ill keep these badboys pretty short as 1.) Im lazy 2.) Id rather be playing 2nd Life and 3.) I hate dancing pink guys while im trying to learn script in a virtual classroom.

So far Ive just been trying to get into the building scene, alot more work than I expected but its so satisfying when you complete something or help someone with their problem.

Ive been to some great Teaching zones already ..my favorite place Ive been to 5 times in the past 2 days, and Im pretty sure Ill be back just as much if not more in the future. If youre interested in special affects and scripting for those little gadgets youre building I HIGHLY recommend checking out “The Particle Lab”.
Even if youre not really into building things its a very interactive and fun way to see how things work in 2nd life. Not only that but theres just alot of cool looking crap all around. Check it out.

Screen shots INC eventually.

I met my first self admited shemale today, Im sure there are tons of them in SL but this is my first.. Im suprised it took me 2 days to find one ha.

My first two experiments have gone pretty sour, which is why im in these new “school zones” trying to learn all this scripting crap. My first rocket pack went well, but the suitcase bomb backfired on me.. Ill have to get back to that one down the road. But besides being shot up in the sky 600 feet and trapped in a bubble someone put on me for 20 minutes, its be decently decent coming back to SL.